The Awakening

What happens in a persons life that causes them to realize they have completely become a slave to their mind and emotions; That their authentic self has become completely shielded from the world? For me it came in the form of a recent break-up. My girlfriend was exposed to a dramatic situation involving my ex and wanted to break up. I begged and pleaded but she didn't want to reconsider. Finally I got her to agree to time apart.

I couldn't handle it, she didn't want to see me or even speak to me. I couldn't work, eat or sleep unless i drank myself into a coma. However a few days later a friend introduced me to the Agape Int'l Spiritual Center. I was in awe, I couldn't believe it. I had never seen so much love, joy and peace shared in one place before. No words of mine can really do I justice. The message was unbelievable. It instantly reminded me that I had so much to be grateful for. While I was there I picked up a book by Michael Beckwith called Spiritual Liberation. I was on such an emotional high that I didn't bother to read it that night. That was a mistake.

The following day I was so excited about the experience that I went to tell my girlfriend. She was so upset that I came. She listened to what I said but I could tell it didn't matter to her. The relationship was over. I started on my way to work for the first time in three days. While on my way I called to tell her it was ok; I could tell she didn't want to continue the relationship anymore and I was o.k. with it. I shortly realized I wasn't. I broke down in my car after I pulled up at my job but regained my composure to go into work anyways.

At work I couldn't focus. I couldn't handle the way I felt. I didn't want to stay so I just walked out. I had never felt so alone in my life. I felt I had no outlet but her. I didn't want to continue anymore. I felt like I didn't want to live and I told her that. She freaked out, she started calling my friends she knew and even came to my work to talk to me about it. I denied the truth to my friends and even to the police when they came to my work. I didn't want help, I only wanted to die. After a while I called my girlfriend to talk but she didn't want to. I had completely pushed her away. The only thing she would do was give me the number to the suicide hotline.

On the phone with them was like a joke to me, it didn't help. It felt so scripted and it only made things worse. I felt completely alone. I had nobody to turn to but myself. At that point something told me to read the book. I read the first chapter which speaks of our self awakening. How we are beings of pure joy, beauty, compassion and loving kindness. At that point I made a promise to myself to "activate the evolutionary impulse of my inner being." I felt good for the first time in a long while.

On the way home my feelings overcame me again. My mind began to tell me there was no other way and I began to carry out my suicide plan. I drove up to the canyon not far from my job and pulled to the side. I stepped out of the car and looked over the edge, it was a long way down. "I'm ready" I said to myself. I got back into the car with the intent of driving over the side and it was then that I caught a glimpse of the night sky and realized the similarity between itself and me.

I felt empty and dark but I could feel the light of something breaking through. I remembered the promise I made to myself earlier. I thought of her and the way my death would make her feel. At that moment I say how imprisoned I had become to my thoughts and my emotions. There wasn't any part of my personality that I was happy with. In that moment I again came back to my promise and my feelings suddenly went away. I started my car and began the drive down, I felt my authentic self peeking through my ego. I could feel my old self beginning to die. I was ready to start my new life.

Shielding My Authentic Self

What Happens in one's life that can cause them to become further disconnected than anyone else? I talk to friends around me and listen to the spiritual teachings that I have received as of late and realize. Nobody was ever there to teach me to keep that connection. My friends have had strong influence in their lives from either their family or other friends, something that has been lacking in my life.

From childhood I was forced to grow up too quickly. Throughout my informative years my parents addictions forced their attention away from raising their kids. My parents inability to see passed their own release from reality caused many problems for us. By the time I was ten I had already moved more times than I was years old. Without the strong foundation of roots friendships were never able to form. Lessons were lost to the time my father spent in jail or by the unconsciousness of both parents in their addictions.

By the time my parents became aware of their addiction and begin working on themselves the damage was already done. I excelled at everything I found myself doing, education, sports, etc. filling my time but closing myself off from the world. Putting barriers around my authentic self. Barriers that covered my connection to my inner spirit. Allowing myself to become a slave to my thoughts and feelings. Things that I couldn't see till now. I've spent the last 26 years constantly blaming others for my problems. Continuously changing my surroundings. Always walking away from people who loved me, friends, relationships and family. Only to find myself deeper in this hole. Doing everything to dig myself out, only to find I was going further in, my life spiraling out of control. When does it end? How will it stop? By admitting I am the creator of my own problems. And doing something to change that.

Losing Self Awareness

How does one lose touch with their inner self. Remember as a child how we were all able to enjoy the little things? The entire world was so beautiful like our very own playground. We loved everything and everyone for it's simplicity. How does that get taken away? Does it ever, or do we just lose touch of remembering what we truly want? How do we become a slave to our mind and feelings? How does our soul lose control? Think back to before you got immersed in you all-caught-upness of how serious life was supposed to be, before someone said, "stop playing around and get serious." Before you bought into that nonsense you had a highly charged sense of enthusiasm, joy, spontaneity, and lightheartedness. Along the way dealing with life and becoming educated it was hidden.

Brought about by our never ending ego and inability to be happy with who we are. Surrounded by so much beauty that we can't see because we don't want to take the time. Can we ever get back in touch? Can we shed the years of teachings that led us to this point? Why can't we play around and be unserious? Yes, we can be happy. We can share our wisdom, loving kindness with everyone that we encounter. We can become reconnected with our soul, god and the universe. And by doing so be at peace with ouselves. This is my journey to regain that consciousness of my inner self. To break down the barriers that I have created over the years of my life. To fully love myself so that others can love me. And to become one with god and the universe.