Shielding My Authentic Self

What Happens in one's life that can cause them to become further disconnected than anyone else? I talk to friends around me and listen to the spiritual teachings that I have received as of late and realize. Nobody was ever there to teach me to keep that connection. My friends have had strong influence in their lives from either their family or other friends, something that has been lacking in my life.

From childhood I was forced to grow up too quickly. Throughout my informative years my parents addictions forced their attention away from raising their kids. My parents inability to see passed their own release from reality caused many problems for us. By the time I was ten I had already moved more times than I was years old. Without the strong foundation of roots friendships were never able to form. Lessons were lost to the time my father spent in jail or by the unconsciousness of both parents in their addictions.

By the time my parents became aware of their addiction and begin working on themselves the damage was already done. I excelled at everything I found myself doing, education, sports, etc. filling my time but closing myself off from the world. Putting barriers around my authentic self. Barriers that covered my connection to my inner spirit. Allowing myself to become a slave to my thoughts and feelings. Things that I couldn't see till now. I've spent the last 26 years constantly blaming others for my problems. Continuously changing my surroundings. Always walking away from people who loved me, friends, relationships and family. Only to find myself deeper in this hole. Doing everything to dig myself out, only to find I was going further in, my life spiraling out of control. When does it end? How will it stop? By admitting I am the creator of my own problems. And doing something to change that.