The Awakening

What happens in a persons life that causes them to realize they have completely become a slave to their mind and emotions; That their authentic self has become completely shielded from the world? For me it came in the form of a recent break-up. My girlfriend was exposed to a dramatic situation involving my ex and wanted to break up. I begged and pleaded but she didn't want to reconsider. Finally I got her to agree to time apart.

I couldn't handle it, she didn't want to see me or even speak to me. I couldn't work, eat or sleep unless i drank myself into a coma. However a few days later a friend introduced me to the Agape Int'l Spiritual Center. I was in awe, I couldn't believe it. I had never seen so much love, joy and peace shared in one place before. No words of mine can really do I justice. The message was unbelievable. It instantly reminded me that I had so much to be grateful for. While I was there I picked up a book by Michael Beckwith called Spiritual Liberation. I was on such an emotional high that I didn't bother to read it that night. That was a mistake.

The following day I was so excited about the experience that I went to tell my girlfriend. She was so upset that I came. She listened to what I said but I could tell it didn't matter to her. The relationship was over. I started on my way to work for the first time in three days. While on my way I called to tell her it was ok; I could tell she didn't want to continue the relationship anymore and I was o.k. with it. I shortly realized I wasn't. I broke down in my car after I pulled up at my job but regained my composure to go into work anyways.

At work I couldn't focus. I couldn't handle the way I felt. I didn't want to stay so I just walked out. I had never felt so alone in my life. I felt I had no outlet but her. I didn't want to continue anymore. I felt like I didn't want to live and I told her that. She freaked out, she started calling my friends she knew and even came to my work to talk to me about it. I denied the truth to my friends and even to the police when they came to my work. I didn't want help, I only wanted to die. After a while I called my girlfriend to talk but she didn't want to. I had completely pushed her away. The only thing she would do was give me the number to the suicide hotline.

On the phone with them was like a joke to me, it didn't help. It felt so scripted and it only made things worse. I felt completely alone. I had nobody to turn to but myself. At that point something told me to read the book. I read the first chapter which speaks of our self awakening. How we are beings of pure joy, beauty, compassion and loving kindness. At that point I made a promise to myself to "activate the evolutionary impulse of my inner being." I felt good for the first time in a long while.

On the way home my feelings overcame me again. My mind began to tell me there was no other way and I began to carry out my suicide plan. I drove up to the canyon not far from my job and pulled to the side. I stepped out of the car and looked over the edge, it was a long way down. "I'm ready" I said to myself. I got back into the car with the intent of driving over the side and it was then that I caught a glimpse of the night sky and realized the similarity between itself and me.

I felt empty and dark but I could feel the light of something breaking through. I remembered the promise I made to myself earlier. I thought of her and the way my death would make her feel. At that moment I say how imprisoned I had become to my thoughts and my emotions. There wasn't any part of my personality that I was happy with. In that moment I again came back to my promise and my feelings suddenly went away. I started my car and began the drive down, I felt my authentic self peeking through my ego. I could feel my old self beginning to die. I was ready to start my new life.